Runaway

I’ve always heard so many people say “I want to run away and start over new somewhere where no one knows my name or anything about me”. And I always wondered why people would want that, because running away from your problems doesn’t solve them. They follow you no matter where you go. But what if you never came back? What if you went somewhere, started a new life, became a new person, and just let it all gently fade away? Would it work? Would it be worth the risk? There’s always the chance that whatever you run away from could follow you, but what if it doesn’t? What if you had the chance to run away from whatever’s hurting you and it wouldn’t follow you because frankly it doesn’t give a shit and you could just finally live again without worrying? If that were the case I’d run away now. When there’s no end in sight, make one. Right? If there’s no way to solve the problem then why stick around being pained by it? If you can’t find an escape, make your own.

Fuck

Bakit wala akong masulat? Bakit?!!

Blank Love

“Maybe…you’ll fall in love with me all over again.”
“Hell,” I said, “I love you enough now. What do you want to do? Ruin me?”
“Yes. I want to ruin you.”
“Good,” I said. “That’s what I want too.”

— Ernest Hemingway (A Farewell to Arms)

Crabby Patty

"If I can't have it, neither can you."

Sadly, we, Filipinos have the tendency to be pros at crab mentality. We have a society to find it hard to be happy for our fellow Filipinos who found their way to Easy Street.

You can call that insecurity, or maybe you just don't like me. I don't really know. But hearing comments that are, more often than not, negative, is getting on my nerves. "Oh, she's a social climber." "Siguro kung anong trabaho lang ginagawa nya dun." "Buntis siguro kaya biglang alis." Dear villagers of the crabby land, why can't we just focus on the blue sky? I am having a great life right now. I'm working at a brokerage company. And I am definitely and seriously NOT pregnant. Well, I really could not blame the sour grapers. I'm currently earning twice the salary of a college graduate, buying anything I want, a US citizen, and have a boyfriend who I'm sure loves me no matter what (if you know what I mean).

We should un-learn harder this trait that is somehow embedded in our culture. Let us all give "I am happy for you" a more serious shot. So, go ahead, make amends to your former schoolmate who is now happy and living a life that some people have always wanted. Nevermind that she said hi to you in LB.

Love in this club

When I was in UPLB, going to IC's bar/Java Avenue was more like a routine for me. I eat dinner there, drink coffee and get drunk almost everyday. I was always present, every week, every parties.

I can distinctly remember a part of my life where I actually swore I will never be one of those money-spending, never-sleeping, bar/club frequenting people, but there I was, never a week without it. Thursdays and Fridays were a must, and Wednesdays if there was an actual party. I gotta be out. I gotta get dressed, drunk, and party my butt out to sheer exhaustion. I gotta see people, and people gotta see me.

Okay, that's a pretty obnoxious claim right there, buy hey! If there's one thing I go to the parties for, it's the social scene. But I don't mean the upper realms of showbiz strata. I don't actually go to clubs in Manila or anywhere too "expensive" for me. I want the general public. The UPLB crowd. The hype. The million besos and the hypernetwork of old friends, new friends, acquaintances, and strangers. I love it. I love LB people. I love LB. Shoot me!

But I think I was still new  to that whole spin, and I could sincerely say that I was only learning pillars of that culture. I have been advised, and surely to the best of intentions not to trust the people in the bars, or to atleast not be as nice as I am to everybody. You gotta choose who you're with, who you affiliate yourself to, which group you want to be in, shit like that.

The thing is, I have poor sense of judgment towards people. My Tita gives me a pretty good nagging with regards to this. I have learned the consequences of combining beer and misery. In this particular scenario, you can trust nobody, so don't even get into it. What I need to learn is the part where everybody's still sober, including you, but you still can't trust anyone.

I rarely think of bad people. It's not that I'm caught up in lala land. I was just raised to believe that you get what you give, and I sincerely think I treat people with respect and with tremendous amount of congeniality. So it's hard for me to swallow that people can be shady towards me, or that they can be talking behind my back, or lying to my face. Heck, it's even incomprehensible for me that nobody can dislike me with a valid purpose. I'm a naive little catholic school girl. Fine.

It wasn't really the case for me, the natural occurrence of paranoia because of growing number of friends and seeing the many strangers that only represent the prospect of more. But then things happened and it became an idea for me that haters are all around you and you may not even know it. Really, it's not like I was expecting to make lifetime friends of those people, nor was I expecting to find prince charmings (which FYI, I did. But that's a different story.) and long lost sisters, but the thing was, we could never really say. My optimism kept me on my toes.

Yeah, that whole crazy getting-drunk-everyweek life was just a phase. I was actually even sure that a phase is just what it is for me. The thing was, I wanted to make the most out of my stay there.While I only completely trust a handful of people in the crowded room, the thing that I learned is to just let go and give everybody a chance. Hate me, love me, I give you a good run and smile at you cause I trust myself anyway. Don't take it for being plastic, take it for being kind. I will show love till you give me a good reason to hate and eventually hit, that's what I say. Like I said, I gotta see people, and people gotta see me. Friends or strangers, fans or haters, you make my clubbing nights fun and worth coming back to every week.

Hey, I say it's a better perspective.

IC's bar

Java Avenue

Circa, Eastwood

Alabang Town Center

I am a soldier. :)

I think this is the most life-changing 3 weeks of my life. I am surprised that I am alive, mostly. See, I am now working. I found myself dealing with life for the first time as a citizen of the real world. No more allowance, no more restback cash, no more comfortable beds and people who will do my laundry.

Instead, I have rougher hands, puffy eyes, a job, bills, and a conscientious habit of making sure I pick up every penny that I drop.

It feels good, for the most part. And I honestly believe that my life can only get better. I am working 8 hours a day, 5 days a week, and I'm actually looking for another source of income because living alone makes my paycheck (rather not broadcast it to the world. LOL) look like shit. However, it is liberating and the prospect of tomorrow always makes me giddy with optimism.

I have had so much injury in the past that I wonder how I was able to take life's beating.

Still, I'm here, not perfect, but happy with a pint of ice cream, thoughts in my head, one boy in my heart, and 20 bucks to get me through.

Ever the optimist. But hey! I did tell you then that I'd end up okay, didn't I?

Faith

I went to church today. The mass went like the typical Sunday mass that I go to every week. The priest's homily still didn't get to me because I was actually day dreaming instead of listening. But today, when the priest told us to bow our heads and pray, as I closed my eyes, I only thought of praying for you.

Sana po mabawasan yung sakit at lungkot na alam kong nararamdaman nya na dulot ko at ng mga pagkakamali ko sa kanya. Tulungan nyo po kaming maging malakas sa lahat ng pagsubok na dadating sa amin. Alam ko po matigas ang ulo ko. Na kahit po ipakita nyo sa akin ngayon na dapat ko syang pakawalan ay hindi ko pa rin po gagawin. Pero this time po, kung yun po ang dapat, susundin ko po kayo. Kayo po ang higit na nakakaalam kung ako talaga ang para sa kanya. Mahal na mahal ko po sya. At gusto ko po syang maging masaya palagi.

Today, I broke to tears and told Tita that we've been fighting a lot lately. I told her that it's getting hard and I'm not sure I can do it anymore. She told me to just be strong and everything will be fine. She said that if we really are for each other, God will find a way. I'm starting to doubt that it will. But I hope she's right again this time.

Word.

I've been through hours of crying before, and I do not need this today. 

Hold it right there.

I have nothing else to say. Truth be told, I'm worn out. Unexpectedly, I'm back here. Back to writing the depressing details of my disproportional life.

I don't know how to start. The last months were always about us. Every step forward or backward was always made with you. Everyday, as boring as it sometimes gets, was almost never without you. Every plan I may have tomorrow was build around us. Everything was You and I, together. But now without you, I have no idea where to start.

It was my choice, I know that. It was my choice to leave.

But that doesn't take away my right to feel. Many have this kind of relationship. And it won't be without having to go through the pain of remembering or missing. It's hard to get rid of this physical pain I'm feeling, denying I'm a few inches away from going totally sick, and craving to get my mind off things I wasn't supposed to think about. And to a point, I admit, I'm feeling a little lost. Confused, even. And sort of jealous. I don't know what's wrong. I just feel like something really big is.

I have forgotten to be strong. Without you it's just very difficult. You are the only person who always pushes me with encouragements and praises. You are the only person who makes me happy. You always believe I can be great at anything. How can I be that without you?

I would never wanna let go of you. I would never wanna let go of the dreams I have memorized in my mind about the life I dreamt of having. I love you. Sometimes, for the reason that are not convincing. Sometimes, for reasons that are too ideal. I love you. I think you know the rest.