Whoopsies

I am a pretty accomplished procrastinator.

Until now, I haven't registered for my TOEFL test and I haven't called my high school to send my transcript to FIT. They were supposed to be submitted yesterday, but I haven't done anything. *tsk, tsk, tsk*

Yes, you heard it right. I'm going back to school. It is a scary thought, purely because college didn't go really well for me, at least in UPLB. I am honestly intimidated right now. But at the same time, it is something that I have to do no matter how scary it might be for me. 

What I have for myself regarding my formal education is a sort of rough plan. I have an idea of what I need to do, and what needs to be done, and so I guess that it's just a matter of execution. Given that I do have a year gap in my schooling, my process is a little bit different and possibly even difficult.

I'm having second thoughts about the Major that I had in mind. A few years ago, I was pretty sure that I was gonna take up BS Nutrition because that was what seemed to make sense at the time. And then when I realised how much I seemed to not be compatible with it, something in my brain clicked and told me that if I continue taking up this course, I would not only be wasting my time, but that I would also most likely be very unhappy in the end, and possibly even during.

So that was scrapped, and then I moved on to Fashion Merchandising. I thought, "now that would make sense" given my passion and dream to have my own store, especifically a vintage store. And that was also around the time when I finally realised that it was completely okay to not conforme to the standards of society - or to do what I want to do and not do what people expect me to do, in other words. So yeah, Fashion Merchandising made complete sense to the buy and seller and online store-aholic (yeah, I made that up! LOL) like me.

The question now is why I'm having second thoughts about it. From "nothing else would make sense" to "do I really want to do this?". I'm thinking that maybe now that the possibility of it actually happening is nearer, I'm questioning myself because I want to make sure that I make the right decision. It's not as if I have been given every opportunity to make this a reality, and in that way, I feel more pressure because I feel as though I only have one shot at this, and if I make the "wrong decision", then I've basically messed up pretty bad. And I obviously do not want to do that.

I do consider myself a pretty big dreamer, and sometimes, I think that it interferes with my reality. That maybe my dreaming too big clouds my judgement and affects my decisions. I've always been indecisive - even with just picking a place to eat - so when it comes to making huge, life changing sort of decisions, I'm a complete wreck and I have no clue which direction to go in and I get lost. I need to look for assurance and some sort of sign that what I'm doing is right.

I also understand that I cannot keep living that way, and that I need to burst out of my "shell" and learn to make decisions on my own without reassurances from other people. That is a challenge for me, but it's a challenge that I'm willing to undertake.